69 A woman was getting a pie ready to put into the oven when the phone rang.  It was the school nurse:  Her son had come down with a high fever and would she come and take him home? 
   The mother calculated how long it would take to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie in the oven, she left for school. 
   When she arrived, her son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to the doctor.  Seeing her son like that - his face flushed, his body trembling and dripping with perspiration - frayed her, and she drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. 
   She was frayed a bit more waiting for the doctor to emerge from the examining room, which he was doing now, walking toward her with a slip of paper in his hand.  "Get him to bed," he told her, handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right away." By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out again for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but frazzled and frantic as well.  And she had forgotten about the pie in the oven.- 
   At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription filled and rushed back to the car . . . which was locked.  Yes, there were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside the car. She ran back into the mall, found a phone and called home.  When her son finally answered, she blurted out, "I've locked the keys inside the car!"  The boy was barely able to speak.  In a hoarse voice he whispered, "Get a wire coat hanger, Mom.  You can get in with that." 
   The phone went dead.  She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger - which turned out not to be easy.  Wooden hangers and plastic hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire hangers anymore.  After combing through a dozen stores, she found one that was behind the times just enough to use wire hangers. Hurrying out of the mall, she allowed herself a smile of relief.  As she was about to step off the curb, she halted.  She stared at the wire coat hanger.  "I don't know what to do with this!" Then she remembered the pie in the oven.  All the frustrations of the  past hour collapsed on her and she began crying.  Then she prayed,  "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys are locked in the car and, Lord, I don't know what to do with this coat hanger.  Dear Lord, send somebody who does know what do with it, and I really need that person NOW, Lord.  Amen." She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her.  A young man, twentyish looking, in a T-shirt and ragged jeans, got out. The first thing she noticed about him was the long, stringy hair, and then the beard that hid everything south of his nose. He was coming her way. 
   When he drew near she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat hanger.  "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into a locked car with one of these?" He gaped at her for a moment, then plucked the hanger from her hand. "Where's the car?" Telling the story, she said she had never seen anything like it - it was simply amazing how easily he got into her car.  A quick look at the door and window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger and bam!  Just like that, the door was open. When she saw the door open she threw her arms around him.  "Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you!  You're such a good boy. You must be a Christian." He stepped back and said, "No, ma'am, I'm not a Christian, and I'm not  a good boy.  I just got out of prison yesterday." 
   She jumped at him and she hugged him again - fiercely.  "Bless God!" she cried. "He sent me a professional!"  70 A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, 'What is that?' The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos"' The blond then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk says "It  keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks "What is that shiny object?" She replies "It's a thermos." He asks "What does it do?" She says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." He then asks, "What do you have in there?" She answers "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."  71  A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.' 'My darling,' he replied, 'think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek  72 So you want a day off...   Let's look at what you are asking for. There are only 365 days in a year available for work. You get 52 weeks of 2 days each off for weekends: that's 104 days off the 365, which leaves 261 available for work. You spend 16 hours a day away from work those 261 days which equals 174 days. So you have 87 days left. You spend 40 minutes each day of the 261 on two coffee breaks, equaling approximately 7 days, leaving 80 days. You have a one hour lunch each day equaling 11 more days, leaving 69 days. You spend 6 days a year on sick leave, bringing it down to 63 days. You have 5 holidays plus three weeks holiday period annually, leaving 37 days. You get every third friday afternoon off (4 hours) bringing it down another full 24 hour day, leaving 36 days. You waste about 2 hours a day talking with fellow employees about non work related activities, chalking up 22 days and leaving 14 days. It's amazing how the country does so well with everyone working about 2 weeks a year!  73 The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly from all the businesses that they were extorting. Feeling the heat from the cops, they decide to use a deaf person for this job, figuring if he were caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police very easily. In his first week the deaf collector picks up more than $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. His employer soon realizes that the money is late and sends a thug over to see the deaf guy. He drags him to an interpreter. "Ask him where da money is" says the thug. The interpreter signs the deaf guy "Where's the money?" The deaf collector  replies "I don't know what you are talking about." The thug places a .38 to the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where's da money." The interpreter signs "Where is the money?" The deaf collector signs the interpreter "The $40,000. is stashed in a tree stump right next to the old town bridge on the north side". The interpreter's eyes light up and he says to the thug "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger." 

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