11 There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.  The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"  12 At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "if GM had kept
up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." 
    In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating, If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT", but then you would have to buy more seats. 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on five percent of the roads. 7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt. 9. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying. 10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (Now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept. 12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate it the same manner as the old car. 13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. 13 A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: 'How much for Engineer brain?' '3 dollars an ounce.' 'How much for 'other generic profession brain?' '4 dollars an ounce.' 'How much for lawyer brain?' '100 dollars an ounce.' 'Why is lawyer brain so much more?' 'Do you know how many lawyers you need to get one ounce of brain?'  14 A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000. Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements. The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to the president's office and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted. She repeated her request to open an account. The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?" "Not at all," was her reply. "I bet." "You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or in casinos...?" "Nothing like that," she said. "I just ... bet. For example, I'll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your bum will turn green." The president chuckled but seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it  and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left. As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking with a mirror to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he canceled his regular Tuesday afternoon golf match in case he would slip on the grass and green from the grass may go through his flimsy pants making his rear end green. He went home early. The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his. 
    The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved. The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so  the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake. He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. She proceeded to closely inspect his bottom for any abnormalities. As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall. He asked the lady, "What's the matter with him?" She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I'd have the president of the bank's pants off and be touching his bum."  15 At a convention of biological scientists who examine diseases of animals, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?", the other replied. "Why did you switch?" "Well, there are reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful and secondly, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them and sell the results to pharmaceutical companies to benefit humans. Yeah, ok, but why lawyers? Why didn't you change from mice to rats? Two reasons here: first, there are some things even a rat won't do. And we've also found, that with lawyers that it's very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."  16 Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?", God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy" "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you." "What's a 'woman', Lord?" "Let me describe" God says, "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it and respond in helpful ways you've never dreamed about. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. She'll consume little of your time and she never complains and she'll always be completely content with you. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and Earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you." "Sounds great." "She will be great, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies. "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye and an ear." "Boy, I dunno lord, Lemme think 'bout this." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?" 

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