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H u m o r  P a g e  1 5

100
Pop asked his 10 year old son if he wanted to hear about the birds and bees. "I don't want to know" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked the child what was wrong. "Oh dad," he sobbed "at age 6, I got the 'there's no Santa Claus' speech. At age 7, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing to live for."
101
The number of physicians in the United States is 700,000. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year is 120,000. So, you have a one in seven chance of dying by a doctor.
    The number of gun owners in the United States is 80 million. Number of accidental gun deaths is 1,500 per year. So, you have a one in 53,333 chance of dying by a gun owner. Therefore Doctors are more dangerous than gun owners. True; the leading cause of disease and death in the United States today is drug side effects and physicians' and hospitals' malpractice, pharmaceutical company mistakes, etc., totalling some 260,000 annually; standard health insurance policies compel employers to provide and employees to obtain, costly and risky medical care that is exclusive of effective newer alternative methods and those used for centuries.
102
The prudish lady: Two Italian men with heavy accents sat at a bus stop carrying on an expressive conversation as Italians are inclined to do. A lady sitting behind them ignored them at first, but her attention became actuated when she hears one of the men say: "Emma comma first. Den I comma. Den two asses a comma together. I comma once a-more. Two asses, they comma together again. I comma again and a pee twice. Then I comma one last time."- 
    "You foul mouthed swine", hurled out the lady indignantly. "In this country, we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" 
    "Hey, coola down lady!", said the man. Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my friend Luigi, how to spella Mississippi." 
103
How to make everyone's day when you're new to the office building
-Greet everyone on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you admiral. 
-Put notices in the elevator that read: "Last Inspection - Passed! Next Inspection due - January, 1987" 
-Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 
-Ask a passenger if he knows how to unjam a pistol.
104
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in  principal, and $15.40 in Interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?
105
A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike. The officer says, "Pull over", and the driver pulls over to the side of the road. He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?". The police officer says, "No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back". The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf."
106
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked 'How much is 2+2?' The housewife replies: 'Four!'. The accountant says: 'I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.' The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, 'How much do you want it to be?'
107
Fifty one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
108
Laughter book simpletruths.com
If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel. ...Will Kommen

I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up. ...Dean Martin

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. ...Roseanne Barr

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. ...Calvin Trillin

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. ...Rita Rudner

My husband wanted one of those big screen TV's for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already. ...Wendy Liebman

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again. ...Joan Rivers

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. ...Henny Youngman

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. ...Bob Thaves

He that falls in live with himself will have no rivals. ...Ben Franklin

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. ...Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor is wonderful. Once, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the x-rays. ...Joey Bishop

109
A great funny Australian skit (YouTube 'funny australian skit')
110
Is this the only way to deal with telemarketers (YouTube 'only way to deal with telemarketers')
111
I don't want his kiss
(112 and 113 removed due to link at source not working)
114
If I was a terrorist (YouTube 'if I was a terrorist')
115
A strange water leak problem (YouTube 'strange water leak problem')
116
Now we know why the bees have been disappearing (YouTube 'always a way out')
117
Ever laughed this hard? (type 'little becky prank call 2' at break.com)
118
A humorous, but true, example on we reap what we sow
119George Carlin
In memory of funnyman George Carlin (very funny {you'll have to excuse the language}; but he will make you laugh 1) 2) and cry 3)

See George Carlin on YouTube. Look for 'who owns you and how they get your money for the criminals on Wall Street' and for 'free choice men and women in nations have'.

120
The Power Of The Federal Badge; thanks to freedomfightersforamerica.com

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.' 

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location. 

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!'

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' 

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes and goes about his chores. 

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer and it seems likely that he'll get 'horned' before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. 

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....  'Your badge...show him your badge!'

121
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:granny goes a driving

Dear Granddaughter, 

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. 

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. 

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. 

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. 

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed that lots of other people love Jesus! 

In fact, while sitting there, the fellow behind started honking like crazy and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus the Christ, GO!' 

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! 

Then, everyone started honking! 

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. 

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! 

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a 'sunny beach'. 

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. 

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or somethin'. 

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. 

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! 

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. 

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. 

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. 

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! 

Will write again soon, 

Love, Grandma

(why granny must not drive and you gotta be most careful)


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