i t e S e a r c h
H u m o r P a g
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The Chief stared at the government
official for over a minute and then calmly replied: "When white man find
land, Indians running it, had shelter, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo,
plenty beaver, clean water. Women worked at home, took care of children;
medicine man was free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all
night having sex. Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man
dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
An idea, next time you redo
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Baby Billie Jean: Michael Jackson
A guy walks into a bar with
his dog and sits down at the counter where the bartender tends. The bartender
walks up and says what'll you have? The guy says, If you give me a free
beer, my dog will talk to you. Ok, says the bartender, Here's your beer
and turns to the dog on the stool next to his owner, Ok what have you got
to say? The dog says, Indubitably, this is a great bar! Astonished, the
bartender says to the dog, Hey, here's five bucks, will you take it across
the street to the store and bring me back a package of gum. Sure says the
dog and away he goes. Time passes a bit and the dog hasn't returned. The
bartender asks the owner to go and see what's taking so long. The owner
walks out and sees the dog humping another dog. Hey, I've never seen you
doing that before. The dog looks up and says, Hey, I've never had five
At a county fair two kids were
at a booth that had a sign which said, Help yourself to one apple. One
of the kids says to the other, No one is watching, I'm going to take one
for later as well. No, said the other kid, God is watching the apples.
Ok, says the other, I'll just take one. They move on to another booth that
displayed cookies that also had a sign Please only take one free. So the
one kid takes 5 cookies. The other kid says, What are you doing? God will
see you cheat. No He won't says the other, He's watching the apples.
My father is 96 and has sex
almost every day, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday
A woman named Mabel dies in
an vehicle accident and is met by those on the other side. They tell her
it was a terrible mistake and she has another 40 years to go, so they send
her back. She returns and figures that since she has another 4 decades
to go she might as well look younger, so she gets plastic surgery to look
like a teenager. Coming out of the plastic surgery clinic, she heads across
into the street and gets hit again by a truck and dies. Again she is in
the after life, and she's mad as hell. She meets the chief gatekeeper again
and says, You told me I had another 40 years to go and within a week I'm
here again. The gatekeeper says, Mabel, is that you?
This 95 year old guy is in hell.
On his knee is a sweet young thing. A new member to hell observes and asks
another, This sure doesn't look like hell for this guy. The other answers,
It is for her.
Why did God create Adam first?
So he would have a chance to have something to say.
Hey Adam, says God. I created
you with a brain and a penis. Problem is there is only enough blood in
the body to run one at a time.
I wondered why the baseball
was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day
care where a 3 year old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear the one about
the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now!
The roundest knight at King
Arthur's table was Sir Cumference.
If you take a laptop computer
for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist
fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone.
It's two tired!
It was a
Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING
OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow
hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT
THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS
ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel catering to skiers,
Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE
BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN
THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE
COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
From the "Soviet Weekly":
HERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS
AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
On the door of a Moscow
hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Australia and New Zealand
(say, don't they speak English there?)
On a poster in Sydney :
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a New Zealand restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
On a highway sign in Australia:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER; THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
An advertisement by a Hong
Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
The box of a clockwork toy
made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
Booklet about using a hotel
air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES; IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM
AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Translated from Japanese
to English and included in the instructions for a soap bubble gun: WHILE
SOLUTION IS NOT TOXIC IT WILL NOT MAKE CHILD EDIBLE.
Tokyo hotel's rules and
regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIORS
Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED
TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY
AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai,
Thailand: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE
THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On a South African building:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
In a South African maternity
ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
Mexico and South America
Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER
HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
French Hotel Advertising
Brochure: WE HAVE A FRENCH WIDOW IN EVERY BEDROOM.
"An old Twilight Zone TV show
about where an alien with great technologies and unlimited resources came
to earth saying: "We have come to serve the people of earth and wished
to bring them back to our planet just to serve them in any way they can
be served, who wants to come with us?" The alien had their honored book
with chapter after chapter written on just how to serve the peoples of
Earth. The title of the book was transcribed to English which said "To
Serve Man" with the rest of the book in the alien language. The aliens
took the book with them to show all everywhere they went." Well all the
people of the globe started lining up to go to the new world to be served
in so many ways as implied by the aliens." Just right before the space
ship that held hundreds of thousands was about to take off, a linguist
who had just deciphered the alien language and read the rest of their book
ran up to the ship as the doors were closing with the last people, young
and old walking through the door. He screamed frantically: "Don't Go! Don't
Go!! Their book is a cook book! Don't go!" ...Walter Burien.(cafr1.com).
Important to understand the meanings of those in authority, and anyone
for that matter, tells you, as often they want you to assume one meaning
that may be of benefit to you while at the same time they have