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These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

-The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: 
She said "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea". 
He said "If you were my wife, I'd drink it".

-A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress".

-"He had delusions of adequacy." ...Walter Kerr.

-"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."  ...Winston Churchill..

-"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." ...Clarence Darrow.. 

-"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." ...William Faulkner about Ernest Hemingway. 

-"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." ...Moses Hadas.

-"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." ...Mark Twain.

-"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" ...Mark Twain.

-"I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement." ...Mark Twain.

-"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." ...Oscar Wilde.

-"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." ...Oscar Wilde. 

-"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one." ... George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
   "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... If there is one." ...Winston Churchill, in response. 

-"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." ...Stephen Bishop.

-"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." ...John Bright. 

-"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." ...Irvin S. Cobb 

-"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." ...Samuel Johnson.

-"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." ...Paul Keating.

-"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." ...Charles, Count Talleyrand.

-"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." ...Mae West.

-"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts..for support  rather than illumination." ...Andrew Lang 1844-1912 

-"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." ...Billy Wilder. 

-"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." ...Groucho Marx.

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WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning. 
The wife said 'You should do it because you get up first
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job and I can just wait
for my coffee.'
Wife replies 'No, you should do it and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' 
Husband replies 'I can't believe that, show me'. 
So she fetched the Bible and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says
'Hebrews'
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"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue; it said 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall'." ...Eleanor Roosevelt.

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