42 On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"  43 Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them at that time of life. The 80 year old said : "The best thing that could happen to me is to be able to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts and I have to go over and over again." The 85 year old said: "The best thing could happen to me is if I could have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it is still a problem." The 90 year old man said: "That's not my problem, every morning at 6:00 am sharp I have a good long pee and at 6:30 sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me is if I could wake up before 7:00."  44 Two men are playing golf one day.  As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry,  takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by.  He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off. "Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part.  It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend says. "Well," Harry replies, "I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I could do."  45 A mummy polar bear and a baby polar bear are sitting on an iceberg. Baby bear: "Mum, am I a Koala bear?" Mummy bear: "No, son.  You're a Polar bear." A few minutes pass. Baby bear: "Mum, am I a Panda bear?" Mummy bear: "No, son.  You're a Polar bear!" A few minutes pass. Baby bear: "Mum, am I a Grizzly bear?" Mummy bear: "Look!  You are a Polar bear!  Why do you keep asking?" Baby bear: "I'm freezing!!"  46 The difference between gossip and news depends on whether you hear it or tell it. 47 If Microsoft made toasters...Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 to 10 years earlier. 48 Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the  good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."  49 There was this man who won a contest and got one free ticket to the Superbowl. He was so happy, but when he got to the stadium and found his seat he was somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row, and it was WAY up there. He couldn't see the game, so he began looking around. Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go down there. He reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied seat if anyone was seating there. The man replied, "No." So the guy sat down and struck up a conversation. "Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?!?" The man answers, "Oh, that was my wife's seat." "Where is she?" the guy replied. "She died." "Oh I'm sorry...don't you have anyone else to come with you, a brother, or friend?" "No, they couldn't come." "Why?" "Because they are at her funeral."  50 John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be  his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained. "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily. "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."  51 A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death.  The leader of the discussion said," We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." "Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment." Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?" A gentleman said, "I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives." "Very good!", said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do. One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction." "That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do. But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-law's house for the 4 weeks. Everyone was puzzled by this answer and the group leader asked, "Why your mother-in-law's home?" Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said "Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"  52 Lathrop: A salesman is so successful that he can't keep up with demand, so he has a clone made of himself. After the clone is finished he sends it out on the road to make sales calls but immediately receives so many complaints that he has to order the clone to come back. It seems the clone has an extremely foul mouth and has offended many customers. So when the clone returns home the salesman takes the clone up to the roof of the  building and pushes him off. When the police arrive they charge him with ... Making an obscene clone fall. 

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