5 The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins: 
  1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty. 
  2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. 
  3) Overcharging fees to many clients. 
  4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case. 
  And the list goes on for quite awhile. 
  The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." 
    St. Peter looks in his book and says "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell." 6 ISM's
Atheism - There is no toy maker. 
Polytheism - There are many toy makers. 
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves. 
Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins. 
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys and whoever is caught selling his toys will go straight to hell. 
Buddhism - He who dies with no toys, wins.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry. 
Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses. 
Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins. 
Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants. 
Muslim - He who plays only with soldier toys, wins. 
Satanism - He who plays with fire, wins. 
Judaism - He who plays without following the rules, loses. 
7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses. 
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins. 
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Totalitarianism - All the toys are ours; you get what we don't want. 7

7a Church Groups
-Independent Baptist - The people don't depend on God.
-Grace Baptist - They say grace at every meal, no exceptions, not even one and don't you forget it or "no soup for you"!
-Immanuel Baptist - They are in manual mode ... church leaders must push them to serve.
-Free Will Baptist They draft wills for everybody for free, but the church must be the primary beneficiary.
-Memorial Baptist - The dead ones or frozen chosen.
-Fundamental Baptist - Fund a mental Baptist.
-Conservative Baptist - The people don't talk to strangers.
-Ana-Baptist - The people didn't like First, Second, Third, Fourth, ... Baptist and didn't want to call themselves - nth Baptist because they want to be the first on the list alphabetically.
-Alliance Church - Are their words all lies?
-Anglican - To make one think they were angelic? Another Catholic 'sister' who didn't make the Catholic grade?
-Jehovah's Witnesses - God needed witnesses because He's not big enough to reach peoples' minds on His own. What really did they witness they can tell us about?
-Lutheran - about how a guy named Luthor ran from the Catholic Church.
-Mormon - Was actually More men, but was really about more women?
-Protestant Church - Where they protest other churches get all the money?
-Redeemer Church - Is this where one can take his unredeemed coupons or are they which recover ownership of what you may have?
-United Church - Changed the name from the Untying Church, a plot to untie one from his wealth? 8 If the black box is designed to survive an airplane crash, why not build the whole plane out it? 9 Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should be referred to as being female: Five reasons to believe computers are female: 
1. No one but the Creator comprehends their internal logic. 
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." 
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. 
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. 
    However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow: Five reasons to believe computers are male: 
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model. 
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.  10 A mother takes her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a bus Friday. They get into line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business outfit complete with a pager. As the mother waits patiently her son looks at the women in front of him and observes loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's fat." At which the lady looks at the boy, makes eye contact with the mother and gives an kind smile. The mother quietly reprimands her son. After a minute or two the boy spreads his hands as far as they will go and loudly says "I bet her butt is *that* wide." At this the lady glares at the little boy and his mother and the embarrassed mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple of minutes the boy states loudly "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turns and tells the mother to control her rude child and the mother threatens him with his very life and existence. Things in the bank are quiet. The lady gets to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone at which the little boy yells in panic at the top of his voice "Run for your life Mom, she's backing up!!!!"

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