83 A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, "Didn't you hear me?! I'm a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!" The guy took the frog out and said, "Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer and right now I don't have time for a girlfriend,........but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!"  84  A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions." replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes." the lawyer replied, "What was your third question?"  85  Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her." "How are you feeling ?"  86  It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confession, so went to his priest and says "I have sinned. During World War II, I hid a Jewish man in my attic." "Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin." "But I made him agree to pay me 20 pieces of silver for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause." "Oh thank you, that eases my mind. Um, I have one more question..."  "What is that, my son?" "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"  87  An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. He wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!" The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing." So, the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day. A few hours later, he came upon two men standing waist deep in the water.  He thought, "Those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines. Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"  88  Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins." "What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets." "Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down." An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the  nurse came back. This time, she turned to the 3rd man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.  Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel." After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had  just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering  repeatedly the same phrase over and over again. "I should have never taken that job at 7 Up" "I should have never taken that job at 7 Up "I should have never taken that job at 7 Up..."  89  One said "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.  I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away. Another said "Yea, me too.  I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic.  I've even had the place fumigated, and they still won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church...  Haven't seen one back since!"  90  An 80 year old man goes to confession. He tells the Priest "Forgive me, for I have sinned." The Priest asks the nature of his infraction. The old man confesses he made incredible, almost "sinful" passion to his female partner of 55 years after taking Vitamin E. The Priest asks "How long since your last confession"? The old man replies "Oh, I've never been to confession...I'm Jewish." The Priest queries "Then why are you telling me this"?  The old man replies "I'm telling everybody!"  91  A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the army. "But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too.  Won't she?" "Sure," replied the man. "Well, won't they find out?" The man shrugged. "But who'll tell?"  92  These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?" He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it." His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!" The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it." Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!" The man replies, "I found it."

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