93 A man was talked into going horseback riding--something he didn't want to do because he once dreamed he would die in the saddle. The owner of the stables told him that the horse he would be riding would, on its own, take him along the trails leading in and out of the forests, through the fields and eventually back to the stables. The owner told the nervous rider that there were only two things he had to remember. The first was that if he wanted the horse to go forward, he had to say, "Thank God" and if he wanted the horse to stop, all he had to say was "Hallelujah". About an hour into his ride, the horse suddenly bolted down a field which, at the end of the field, was a deep chasm in which the bottom was two hundred feet from the top of the cliff. The rider yelled "Whoa" but naturally that didn't work. As the horse was about to leap into the chasm, the rider yelled, "Hallelujah" and the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. As the rider peered into the chasm, his heart began to beat rapidly and he looked up heavenward and cried out in great joy "Thank God!"  94  This old geezer lived near the Ohio River, and in the recent floods, he was washed away and his friends and family feared that he'd drowned. Miraculously, though, a state trooper pulled him out and his life was saved. The old geezer lived many more years, but unfortunately he kept telling everyone how he survived the Ohio River floods until they were bored to tears. Finally the old geezer died and went up to heaven.  St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates and said, "Welcome to Heaven!  We'd like you to be eternally happy, so if there's anything you'd like to do, anything at all, just tell me and we'll fix it up for you." "Thanks," said the old geezer. "I'd sure like to tell a bunch of folks about how I survived the Ohio River floods." "No problem," said St. Peter.  "I'll make the arrangements and get back to you." A few days later, St. Peter contacted the old geezer and took him to the lecture hall where he was to give his talk. They both waited backstage while the audience got settled, and the geezer was pleased to see that it was rather a large crowd. Then St. Peter grabbed the old geezer's arm. "Now, I don't want to make you nervous, but I've just spotted Noah in the crowd."  95  A CHILD'S VIEW OF RETIREMENT 
After Easter break, the teacher asked her small pupils how they spent their holiday. One little boy's reply went like this: "We always spend Easter with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. They live in a park with lots of other retarded people. They all live in tin huts. They ride tricycles that are too big for me. They all go to a building they call the wrecked hall, but it is fixed now. They all do exercises but not very well. There is a swimming pool but I guess nobody teaches them. They just stand there in the water with their hats on. My grandma used to bake cookies for me, but nobody cooks there. They all go to restaurants that are fast and have discounts. When you come into the park there is a doll house with a man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. I wish that they would move back home, but I guess that the man in the doll house won't let them out."  96 A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes" replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so" said the farmer "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my she fell out." 97 A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this: Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?" Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened." Judge: "Proceed." Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony." 
    15 minutes goes by and the judge returns. Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?" Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl and a lot like the protected long neck Canadian goose." 98

Differences Women have more imagination than men. They need it so they can tell us how wonderful we are! Men will pay $100. for a $50. item he wants. Women will pay $50. for a $100. item she doesn't want. When a man gives his opinion, he's being a man. When a woman gives an opinion, she's being a bitch. A woman marries a man expecting he will change. A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a woman. 99

Popular oxymorons Act naturally; Eternal death; Far closer; Found missing; Resident alien; Advanced BASIC; Genuine imitation; Airline food; Hospital food; Genetically modified food; Good grief; Almost exactly; Government organization; Alone together; Legally drunk; Silent scream; Living dead; Microsoft works; Military intelligence; California culture; New classic; Sweet sorrow; Childproof; "Now, then..."; Synthetic natural gas; Evolutionary.scientists; Taped live; Clearly misunderstood; Peace force; Temporary tax increase; Terribly pleased; Computer jock; Plastic glasses; Political science; Tight slacks; Definite maybe; Pretty ugly; Twelve ounce pound cake; Diet ice cream; Rap music; "I think for sure it maybe true"; "I think definitely..."; "Will you marry me?" "I think definitely it's a maybe."; "I think I'm sure about this"; Microsoft Works; Computer intelligence. ...some from Calgary's Good Morning News. More.

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