The Mike Williams
Story. A dedicated spiritual man who wrestled with his sexual gender.
From Mike's site.(gospelrevolution.com).before
his site was updated:
"Remembering Why
"As I begin for the first
time in my life to write down the true story of my finding freedom in Christ,
I am trying to remember why, why the pain was so horrific. Why the despair
of massive depression. Why the desperate
search for freedom and truth. But most of all, why the long years of denial
and embracing a deadly, misinformed, guilt-ridden, judgmental form of belief
which resulted in a self-imposed alienation from the truth, both spiritually
and just the plain ole' truth about life.
"I am the youngest of six
children raised in a relatively 'normal' environment. And, even though
I'm aware of most if not all the arguments about why people end up where
they do sexually, ultimately I must admit I have no clear understanding
at all why people end
up the way they do. One thing I do know is that I have never been a
heterosexual..Why
may this have been?
"The condemnation I received
in Church about being homosexual
motivated me to pursue change and a way to do it. This drive did not come
from just spiritual reasons but also from my family and society in general.
My childhood was not filled with TV shows or commentaries about the 'gay
lifestyle' or any attempt to influence me to be homosexual. To even find
the word homosexual, I had to secretly go to the dictionary. I knew when
I read the definition what my sexuality was, even though I could never
describe the emotions and dread that dictionary definition brought into
my mind.
"My earliest memories are
not ones that surround my sexuality. Those early thoughts were of God,
Emmanuel and the Holy Spirit. I so remember praying as a child literally
every night for wisdom and understanding. Not so much to gain insight about
my sexuality but about how my life could be best used to serve and help
others. You see, I was already convinced that I was evil and would burn
in hell forever for it.
"The desperation that was
mine is truly that of every human who is convinced of a day of reckoning
that lies in the future.
"So, I found my self in the
home of a noted minister by the name of Norvel Hayes. I was there to be
delivered from the demon of homosexuality. I was informed that people who
get delivered from demons sometimes vomit during the process. So, I squeezed
my gut so hard during the exorcism that I threw up. I was immediately declared
to be free from homosexuality and we were all off to the races with denial.
And even though I told Mr. Hayes several times that nothing had changed
and asked that I NOT be asked to tell everyone I was a delivered homosexual,
he insisted that I stay with it and say it anyway.
"I was 21 yrs old. And the
doctrine that I was being taught by Mr. Hayes required him to teach and
promote that constant confession of change would bring the change. "That's
what faith is Mike" I was told. "You have to say it before you receive
it".
"The affirmation that came
from the crowds was so what I wanted. The praise for my 'brave' stance
was relentless and so fed my soul.
"Then the 'confirmation'
that I was free came with my first daughter and then again with my other
two girls. However, nothing about 'Michael Williams' sexuality had changed.
"I have learned much about
the warped thinking that can come from the approval of people when you
are on a stage. It is so empowering. Finally, I had to accept that they
were responding to what I was saying not who I really was, because you
really don't know who any particular speaker or teacher is unless you KNOW
them.
"As far as I or anyone has
been able to ascertain, I was the first person in history to make a public
and international declaration of 'freedom' from homosexuality as a 'formerly'
gay man. At that same time my views of the Gospel were changing drastically.
"I never, ever attempted
to understand the Scriptures through the prism of my sexuality. Instead,
my sexuality was always subject to the teaching of the Scriptures and is
to this day.
"My most poignant reality
check came with the news that a young man had killed himself after having
listened to my 'testimony tape'. He had failed to achieve the freedom from
his sexuality that I had claimed to. Then I heard about another tragic
loss, then another. I remember being in a hotel in Philadelphia and literally
collapsing to the floor in grief. How much did I contribute to the agony
of these young peoples lives? I may never truly know.
"I just can no longer take
a chance on this misinformation adding to the complex and difficult issue
of one's sexual orientation.
"Why? Yes, I wonder why.
Why did I take such a turn to profess such a lie? My friends, the answer
is summed up in only one word: acceptance. No matter who or what we are,
acceptance is a very basic need in the human experience.
"Please understand. I am
no longer looking for the kind of acceptance that can cause one to lie
about basic truths. I have found an acceptance that promotes and, yes,
compels one to truth and personal responsibility.
"My next defining moment
was how do I tell my wife and three beautiful daughters? Believe me the
process wasn't easy. Today, my children's Mom is my former wife and will
remain the only woman in my life. She is one of my closest friends and
we parent together to the level best of our ability. My daughters have
embraced their Dad for all that he is and is not. My adorable grandchildren,
of which there are presently four, are being raised to understand that
Grandpa is a gay man, as we help them understand what that means as they
grow.
"For the most part, wherever
I travel to teach the people inviting me, understand that I am a gay man.
Should there be a situation where I am invited to speak that they do not
know, it is inadvertent,
as this is not a topic of discussion in any of my public meetings.
"I've totally embraced my
path to this point. It has given me the awesome experience of being a Husband,
Dad and a Grandpa. I do not curse this path, far from it. I just wish to
correct the lies that were a part of it. I'm currently single and live
alone in Fredericksburg, VA. I spend about a week each month with my kids
in Illinois. Can I get a witness from the Grandparents out there! Yeah,
I know yours are awesome and handsome and beautiful. But, ya oughta see
mine!! :)
"At this point I don't see
how anyone else could fit into this bit of an admittedly unique life. But,
you see, the motivating force in my life is not the issue of being with
a partner or single. My 'raison
d'être' is this magnificent Gospel that we have had the unmatchable
pleasure of discovering. My goal is to spend and exhaust the rest of my
years sharing the good news of this Gospel.
"Finally, to Norvel Hayes,
I forgive you. I forgive you for using me and exploiting my youth and my
deepest fears and weaknesses. And I forgive myself, for the desperation
that led to such hurt in so many lives.
"To all who heard the story
of a 'delivered homosexual' and grasped at it as an answer for your loved
ones and especially for those who embraced it as hope for acceptance
with God, how do I say I am so very sorry? I do not excuse myself.
I just ask for your forgiveness. There is a Gospel that gives hope. But,
the good news is that this Gospel does not require you to become a compulsive
liar to be accepted.
"And to my friends who were
so concerned about my doing this kind of open testimonial, I can only say
I am finally at peace with myself.
"Let's move forward together.
"With much love,
"Michael Williams"
